A Busy Mom’s Most Used Makeup Items

It’s no secret that I’m not an everyday makeup wearer. I wear makeup when I want to, and I’ve never really felt like I NEED it. (This doesn’t mean that I always feel like I look good, though 😂- just that I’m not convinced that the amount of makeup that I’m comfortable with really changes the way I look that much.)

I’m pretty comfortable with walking out of the house sporting my natural face, but when I want a little pick me up, or when I’m in the mood to be perceived as ‘having it all together’ I’ll take ten minutes or so to put on some momma-friendly makeup.

Makeup really does make a world of difference in how I feel! (Which should incentivize wearing it everyday, but it hasn’t yet.) When I’ve taken some alone time in the morning just to focus on my face, I can really sense myself being more confident throughout the day. I’d even argue that I’m in a better mood on days when I wear makeup (that I’m comfortable in). I’m not sure if it’s the power of the makeup or the fact that I’ve looked myself in the eye, and taken the time to care for myself first thing in the morning. Either way, the result is good!

There’s a huge difference between makeup that I’m comfortable in and makeup that makes me feel like a walking car wreck (you know, that ‘cant look away’ phenomenon. It’s so bad, but you just can’t look away…some makeup makes me feel like that.)

Things you might like to know about me before I share what’s in my makeup bag:

1. I have really dry skin

2. I’m generally found wearing neutrals or muted colors (muted neutrals are my sweet spot…grey, tan. I know, I know, so exciting.)

3. I have loads of freckles, and completely covering them up just feels weird. I still want my face to look like my face.

4. I don’t like the feeling of heavy makeup. I like for my face to breathe. We have pores for a reason, after all. So, I tend to go for more lightweight bases.

5. My boys touch my face a lot. This sounds weird, but it’s true. We’re a very touchy bunch, and one of our signature moves is the affectionate face hold. I don’t want that to stop because I’m wearing makeup, so I don’t generally wear anything that’s cream based.

6. I don’t have a night life, so I very rarely change up my makeup look from day to night. Let’s be honest, most nights I’m in bed by 9, and if we go on a date or I want a little more va va voom, I’ll just add a little eyeliner.

My makeup bag in all of it’s glory!

I bought this bag at a gift shop in Asheville, NC. It was made from an old table cloth, and it is super easy to wipe clean! I love the colors. It’s a perfectly cheery morning pick me up.

It’s contents:

This is what’s currently in my makeup bag. I own a couple of other foundations including NARS Sheer Glow Foundation, and Maybelline Fit Me Foundation. And I also own a couple of colorful Wet n Wild Eye Shadow Palettes for days when I’m feeling extra brave.

These are my tools. I generally buy the cheapest thing that gets the job done, but when I’m feeling particularly selective (or when I have a gift card to Ulta or Target), I’ll buy Real Techniques tools. I have a few of their brushes that are currently hiding in my bathroom (They’re dirty and I’m busy!!).

Believe it or not, all of this fits into my little makeup bag! I have a system for getting it all to fit, but when I do it right I can get it all in. I couldn’t add another thing to it if I tried.

Let’s break everything down a bit.

 

Face

These are the things that I use on my face. I have been loving this Cover FX Anti Aging Primer. It’s super moisturizing (which I need), and most foundations sit on top of it really beautifully. Using a primer with good ingredients allows me to spend significantly less on foundation, too!

My Wet n Wild Photo Focus Foundation has been my favorite one this summer. It doesn’t make my face look super dry, and it doesn’t completely cover my freckles. I’ve found that it provides a nice, light weight coverage. I’d say it’s a medium coverage foundation. It covers the red, but leaves the freckles. Win Win.

My contour and highlight palette is from Smashbox. I use this to lightly contour my cheeks and forehead, and the ‘highlighter’ in the palette is not shimmery. It’s actually the perfect color to act as a setting powder for my pale skin! I don’t often use bronzer, but I like that this one isn’t shimmery.

My blush (the only blush I’ve ever used) is Bobbi Brown’s Desert Rose Blush. It complements my fair skin and freckles, and it applies evenly over foundation or powder. I like that it’s low maintenance because putting pink stuff on my face is a little terrifying to me!

 

Eyes

My Urban Decay Naked Basics Palette is a little old…oops. It seems that it is no longer being sold, so I’ve linked their Ultimate Basics Palette. It looks like it contains all of these shades, plus a few others. I have loved this palette for a couple of years now. It is perfectly neutral, and I can use these shades for my brows and eyeliner too!

This Precisely My Brow Pencil from Benefit Cosmetics is great for filling in the scar on my eyebrow! It is thin enough to be precise, and my brows never look super overdrawn. If I want to kick it up a notch and actually ‘do’ my brows, this does that too. I can completely fill in my brows without them looking like sharpie lines on my forehead, and I feel super fancy.

I rarely wear eye liner, but when I do I tend to go for one that doesn’t move too much. This Covergirl Perfect Point Plus eye pencil works well for me. It doesn’t move too much, and I can smudge it right after I put it on for a less stark line.

This NYX Doll Eye Mascara was in my Christmas stocking. My husband said he went into Ulta and randomly picked it off of the shelf. It works well, doesn’t smudge or transfer, and it stays on for a while. When I first got it it was a little too wet for me, but over time it has dried out a bit, and I LOVE it!

 

Lips

Are you impressed? Don’t be too intimidated by my multi-step lip regimen.

Carmex Lip Balm has always been my favorite. I probably have 5 tubes sitting around my house. My boys even love it! I apply this before I start doing the rest of my makeup. It is super moisturizing, and it makes my lips smooth enough to apply lipstick that doesn’t end up being crusty.

Revlon Super Lustrous Lipsticks are my favorite. I have a few shades, but the one that lives in my makeup bag is “Sassy Mauve”. The formulation of this lipstick is smooth and creamy, but not shiny. It isn’t matte, but it definitely is not glossy. This shade is super close to the natural shade of my lips (when I’m well rested and hydrated), so I like to think that it complements my other coloring well.

 

Before

This was last night after we ate dinner. The boys were playing on their new swing set with daddy, and I was laying in our hammock enjoying our gorgeous shade tree! My face has zero things on it, and I like it this way.

 

After

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This is me this morning. It took me around ten minutes to apply my ‘full face’ of makeup. I don’t think that these two pictures are all that different, but I definitely have makeup on in this picture.

I’m the same LJ in both pictures. The makeup hasn’t changed anything on the inside, but I do feel more put together in the after picture. I’ve taken the time to pamper myself a little, and it feels good.

Now I need to go clean my makeup brushes! My boys have been shoving them up their noses. It’s hard to blog and mom at the same time.

Learning Effective Communication

Communication is puzzling to me. Everyone communicates differently in every situation. There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to communication, so it can be an intimidating subject to tackle.

Even a fantastic communicator can run into communication difficulties when the person with whom they are communicating can’t understand. Can one really learn how to communicate effectively?

I think so. But, I don’t think it’s a subject that you can ever classify as ‘learned’. I think that we learn how to communicate throughout our entire lives. I think that our knowledge of effective communication is always changing- if we let it.

So, in today’s post I’m going to share some of what I’ve learned about communicating effectively with the people around me. I’ll share some of the experiences that have led me to believe that I’m qualified to write about communication, and you can hopefully learn something from my flops.

As soon as I graduated from college I started a job as a residential coach at a boarding school for teenagers on the autism spectrum. Most of the teenagers were either diagnosed with high functioning autism, or Asperger’s syndrome (a diagnosis that no longer exists after the publication to the DSM-5).

My job was to help the students live life outside of the classroom. The most unexpected part of guiding them through their day to day lives was practicing communication with them. I’d had no clue that relationships required so much communication until it was my job to watch other people relate to one another!

That boarding school is where I learned that no two people are alike when it comes to communication. We all send different messages with our words, our bodies, and our overall demeanors. We all receive sent messages differently, too. So how are we even functioning as a society?! How are we not all exhausted from trying to send and receive the right messages? (I kinda am, but that might have something to do with the fact that most of my conversations involve people under the age of four 😂.)

The first lesson I learned about effective communication was to LISTEN. My students taught me that listening and paying attention to social cues is the MOST important part of communication.

Before I started that job I thought I was an excellent communicator. In fact, I was often complemented on my communication skills. But I wasn’t good at it at all. I was far more concerned about what came out of my mouth than I was about listening.

I’d argue that communication is an activity that always involves more than one person, and if you’re not paying attention to the other person (or group of people), you’re doing it wrong.

So, what does listening look like? For me, it has taken on several different forms. I listen with my ears, my eyes, and my intuition (this one is a little wonky, but hopefully it’ll be clearer soon).

Listening with your ears is the ‘easy’ one. You just stay quiet and focused (the hard part if you’re like me and interrupt people non-stop because your thoughts are running a mile a minute) while the other person is talking. You use active listening skills while they’re talking, and when they’re finished talking you seek clarification before continuing with your point (a very important part of listening is making sure that you understand. I think that this is likely the biggest piece that is missing from most non effective communication.)

Listening with your eyes sounds silly, but our visual imput is a huge part of how we interpret what we’re receiving through our ears. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been listening with my ears, but looking at something completely outside of the conversation, and missed a huge chunk of the message.

The ability to both hear and see the person with whom you are communicating is a huge gift! Visual cues can give us a wealth of information.

In the very beginning of our marriage my husband and I were talking about some issue that I knew was going to lead to a fight. I was avoiding eye contact at all costs because I felt like I was going to cry (this happened a lot when my husband and I were first learning to communicate effectively with each other). I finally looked up at him when the tone in his voice changed. His face was sad, but I thought he sounded angry. It turns out that I’d completely misinterpreted the information that he was giving me because I wasn’t paying attention to all of the information!

Listening with your intuition seems a little too intense, but all I mean is to listen to your instincts. I think that some of this comes with time and closeness to the person with whom you are communicating, but not all of it. For example- you walk into a convenience store and the clerk at the counter is acting completely normal. He takes your debit card, swipes it, tells you to have a nice day, and you leave. You get in your car and you just feel like something wasn’t right. You start to head back inside when you notice a man crouched under the counter with a gun and an open pillow case. The clerk is filling the bag with the contents of the register. You call 911. Are you psychic?! No. You just used your instincts to read the situation.

This is a super extreme example, but I used it to illustrate my point because, in this situation, there was no obvious auditory or visual message being sent. There were likely small auditory and visual stimuli that contributed to your instinct that something was wrong, but it wasn’t as obvious as seeing the gunman yourself or hearing the clerk scream for help. You listened to your own intuition more than you listened to the situation, and that can be a very helpful part of communication!

So, to me, the most important part of communication is listening. I think the second most important part of effective communication is to think before you speak, and I am horrible at this!

Once you’ve listened you’re tasked with responding. I’m sure there is someone out there who is just perfect at this… They probably take a long pause before sharing a well planned thought. I am not this person.

My instinct is to jump right in as soon as the other person finished talking. Awkward silences are, after all, awkward! No one wants to stand there and stare at me as I figure out what to say next! Or do they?

Marriage has taught me that I’d much rather wait for an appropriate response from my husband than receive an immediate response that may be hurtful or incorrect. My husband is good at thinking before he speaks, but when pushed he has occasionally responded on my timeline. I can assure you that his thought out responses are a much truer representation of how he really feels. Be patient with the people with whom you are communicating! Be patient with yourself! It’s not a race, it’s a journey.

Patience is definitely not my strong suit. I’m still working on thinking before I speak (especially when it comes to communicating with my husband and our boys), but I have gotten much better at it over the years.

These are just a couple of the things that I’ve learned about communicating effectively. If this is helpful or informative to anyone I’ll share more of my thoughts later.

I think it’s important to remember that effective communication is never going to happen all of the time. You can be an excellent communicator and still be able to misunderstand or be misunderstood. Hopefully you will never consider yourself perfect at communicating. Hopefully you will always be open to learning!

Thanks for reading. Be kind to yourself and others!

My Biggest Parenting Failure

Last night I read list of questions designed to be writing prompts for parents. I was feeling a little stuck. The list definitely acted as a lubricant! My mind was racing so much last night that I didn’t get much sleep. I was excited to get up this morning and get to my computer.

The question that stood out the most was this: “what has been your biggest parenting failure so far?”

I like balance, especially when I’m sharing ‘bad’ things. So, for the sake of balance I’m going to also share my biggest parenting success so far. The two just happen to be very closely related.

Big brother is three and a half. He’s a brilliant, talkative, gentle, sensitive little dude, and he loves to learn! He loves to challenge his mind- so much so that he sometimes gets stuck when it comes to making ‘yes or no’ decisions. Simple things like, “would you like a cookie?” Sometimes turn into crises of the mind. And he hates to challenge his body! He didn’t walk until he was 16 months old. His doctor attributed this to a desire to ”do it right”. She said he was just cautious.

He has received occupational therapy for some sensory sensitivities that he deals with. He doesn’t like loud noises (unless he’s the one making them). He struggles with the introduction of new things (some days). And he doesn’t like to be groomed (nail clipping, hair brushing, and teeth brushing used to be much more difficult).

Big brother tends to be very reactive when he is uncomfortable. He screams and runs to momma or daddy for a hug. He covers his ears in new situations, as if to remove himself from the discomfort. It’s a hard thing to watch. As a momma, I want my kids to be comfortable in their own skin. I want big brother to always feel more powerful than the things that bother him.

A couple of months ago we visited family in Tennessee. The boys have cousins there, and tons of playing happened. Big brother began to loosen up as he saw his cousins jumping around and being free.

While we were there I noticed a huge decrease in his level of discomfort in new situations. He stopped covering his ears. He ran more. He jumped more, and he seemed much more comfortable interacting with the world.

One afternoon while we were in Tennessee, my mother in law and I took the boys to my niece’s horseback riding lesson. There were a few plastic playscape there, so the boys were set free to play. Little brother scaled the playscape like the adventurist that he is (he has no problem in new situations, and he loves discovering how high he can bounce). Big brother was more hesitant.

Eventually big brother began to play. At one point I noticed that he was getting upset. He was still the top of the tallest playscape (which wasn’t that tall), trying to decide how he was going to get down. My mother in law was there serving as encouragement.

I noticed that they were talking, which I filed away as a good thing. Typically big brother tends to scream in these uncomfortable situations. I decided that my mother in law was handling the situation, so I continued to pay attention to little brother.

A few minutes later, big brother ran to me with tears in his eyes. He was jumping with joy, and exclaimed, “momma! I was so brave!”

Later my mother in law told me that he had informed her that he didn’t want help. He wanted to practice being brave.

My momma heart melted.

Since we’ve been home from Tennessee, Big Brother has continued to practice bravery, but he still gets stuck. He still covers his ears occasionally. And he still prefers challenging his mind over challenging his body (although he is becoming more and more comfortable with climbing and falling.)

This comes to my biggest failure as a parent (so far- he is only three, after all). For the past two years I have felt like I’ve failed my son by being ‘too careful’ with him.

Whenever he does anything, my instinct is to shout ‘be careful!’. I rarely let him experience things without being right there, holding his hand. I was convinced that I’d broken his bravery. I knew that he could never be confident because I squished his confidence as a baby.

I know I’m not alone in this. I often see moms (with one kid 😂) acting as the bubble wrap for their kid’s life. It’s careless, after all, to just let your kid go wherever and do whatever they want! I mean, what kind of mom just let’s her kid walk along the brick wall surrounding the water fountain at the park?! As it turns out, this mom- little brother and pregnancy have left me exhausted, so big brother has had some space to learn bravery.

I’m grateful for our current chaos because it has been a good thing for big brother! He still gets loads of my attention, but he no longer lives in the bubble that I intended to keep him in until he was 18.

I’m not blaming myself for all of his lack of resilience and bravery, but I do take responsibility where it is due. I was too careful with him. I thought I was in control, and it hindered him a little.

So, my biggest success as a parent (specifically as a parent to Big Brother): the Roomba bravery incident.

Big Brother HATES the Roomba. He detests it! It is loud. It moves without reason. It chases unsuspecting toddlers into chairs that are just a little too high to comfortably climb into. It’s the worst!

Yesterday the Roomba was in the living room charging, and little brother decided that the power button looked extra inviting. He proudly pushed it. The robot beeped its warning beeps, and big brother stood erect. He watched as it bounced from chair to wall. He closely observed its motions. Then he exclaimed, “momma, I’m gonna turn it off!”

Now I typically would have jumped out of my seat and turned it off long before big brother noticed what little brother had done. I’m a ninja. But yesterday was a rough day. It was sweltering here in Texas and momma couldn’t just jump up. I’ve been so dizzy lately. So, I stayed out and let the situation play out without intervention.

Big Brother walked over to the Roomba. He was kind of hunched over, as if trying to catch a rabbit. He lunged torward the Roomba, pinned it down, and pushed the green power button. It beeped to signal that it was stopping and big brother shouted, “I did it, momma!!”

Y’all, my big boy was so brave!

He jumped into my arms and I proudly told him how brave I thought he’d been. It was a precious moment. I fought back tears…over a Roomba (I’m pregnant, give me a break!).

This was the proudest that I’ve been of myself and him. I was not a control freak. I did not give in to my fear of having to deal with a potential melt down, and as a result, big brother was able to choose to be brave. Win win.

It’s the little things 😂.

What has been your biggest parenting success/failure? I’d love to know!

Thank you so much for reading! Please comment and share if you’d like!

When Friends Suffer

“It’s cancer, LJ.”

“They couldn’t find the heartbeat…”

“He wants a divorce. I thought we were just fighting, but he wants a divorce.”

“My dad had a heart attack last night. We were supposed to meet for lunch today.”

What do you do when a friend is suffering? What do you say? Are you paralyzed by the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing? Do you have cliche responses on standby? I think I used to fluctuate between doing nothing and saying unhelpful things.

“It’ll all work out.”

“It’s all a part of God’s plan.”

“Give me a call if you need anything.”

“I know how you feel.”

These were some of my go-to phrases. Writing them makes me cringe now. I wish I could go back to the moments when they escaped my mouth and snatch them out of the air before they reached my friends’ ears.

I’m no expert on suffering, and I’m definitely not an expert when it comes to the ‘right’ things to say. I do, however, have some experience in these areas. I have had friendships fizzle out because I was too paralyzed to be a supportive friend during times of suffering. I have also had the benefit of hearing firsthand accounts of relationships strained by suffering.

I worked as a cancer information specialist at the American Cancer Society before I became a momma (and throughout the first year of Big Brother’s life). While most of my interactions with callers began as basic questions or requests for assistance, many calls ended after a discussion about the caller’s relationship to cancer. I’d say that most of the people who called me were not patients- they were family members or friends of patients.

When told about the information available to friends and family, they often wanted to delve deeper. Many people wanted to know what they could do for their suffering loved one. Many of them wanted to know what NOT to do. So many of my callers were afraid of doing the wrong thing.

The truth is, seeing people suffer is hard. It’s often uncomfortable.

So, what about seeing people suffer when you’re a parent? Parenting has changed the way I observe suffering in several ways. At times I’m hypersensitive to the suffering of others, and at other times I’m completely unaware of the hurt going on around me. Sometimes (and I’m super ashamed of this) I see suffering and completely ignore it because I don’t have the time or energy to devote any attention to it.

My chief complaint as a new momma was that I felt like I didn’t have any friends. When I think back about that time, I realize that I didn’t have any friends because I wasn’t able to be a friend then. I felt like I had nothing to give to anyone other than my son. I felt like every ounce of energy that i had was going to keeping him alive. I’m sure a lot of us feel/felt that way when we first became parents.

Eventually, though, that feeling of emptiness wears off. Time passes and we realize that things have gotten a little easier. That newborn stage can be rough, but once it’s over the world seems to get a lot bigger again.

At the end of Big Brother’s newborn stage I went back to work. I went back to talking to people about suffering. I went back to sharing information with people who were watching their loved ones die. And it hit me in a totally new way.

I felt more, and I listened better. This translated into my real-life relationships too. I began to feel like I could actually contribute to friendships. I became more available to the people around me, and eventually I became a friend who people could talk to.

I learned about my friends’ suffering, and my cliche responses no longer seemed adequate. Suffering, after all, is personal. My responses needed to be personal too.

(The American cancer society has a wealth of information on this topic at cancer.org. They detail several helpful things to do and say when a friend is suffering with cancer! I highly recommend looking at their documents. What I’m about to share is what I’ve learned from personal experience. Some of it may resemble information in their documents, but my perspective is not intended to teach what the American cancer society shares with callers.)

So, here are some of the ways that I now respond to my friends’ suffering. These certainly don’t cover all situations, and I’m not trying to govern the way that you support your friends. These things have just been helpful to me!

1. Say something! I used to say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing. I’ve found that friends feel much more supported when I choose to say something than when I choose to say nothing at all- even if I initially say the wrong thing. Don’t offer advice or try to change their perspective. Simply offer words of support. Like “oh man, that sounds so hard!”. Let them know that you have heard them. Let them know that you care.

2. Follow up! I used to say “call me if you need anything”, which was totally intended to be a message of support and willingness to help. What it can come across as, though, is a way to say “I’m making you responsible for my response to your pain”. It distances you from the situation while still giving you credit for being supportive. Now I choose to call or text to check on friends who have been suffering. I keep the responsibility of following up instead of being willing to help them if they ask for it. Sometimes I’ll offer to do specific tasks that may be difficult for the suffering person (grocery shop if they haven’t had time to). I generally keep my offers of assistance fairly small. I can’t offer to care for someone in their home right now. I have a family to take care of, and no one expects me to do more than I can.

3. Remember that it’s about them! This is a big one for me, because I tend to empathize too much when friends are suffering. I now try to remind myself that it’s possible to care deeply about a friend’s pain without wearing it as my own. Let your friend hurt. Don’t try to take it, because you can’t! In the same vein, I try not to use my friends suffering as an excuse to relive my past sufferings. I think it’s ok to share past experiences with friends who are suffering (it could be super helpful to them), but pay attention to their responses. Don’t expect your previous suffering to make their situation easier. Every situation is different. Don’t make their suffering about you.

4. Love them! Every person receives love differently. If you know what makes this friend feel loved, do it. For some it’s gifts. Others feel loved when you spend quality time with them. If you know what makes your friend feel loved, do it. This can serve as a reminder that their suffering isn’t pushing you away, and that you’re committed to being a present friend.

I’m still not good at being a supportive friend all of the time. Im often paralyzed, and I still say the wrong things sometimes. But, I am committed to being available to my friends who are suffering.

If you are trusted enough to be informed of a friends suffering, don’t run away from it. Being a supportive friend doesn’t have to be scary or overwhelming. When friends share, they’re not expecting you to fix anything, they probably just don’t want to feel alone.

Hopefully some of what I’ve learned will be helpful to someone else. Thanks for reading!! Feel free to comment if you have anything to add.

Things Every Momma Should Know About Herself

I’ve referenced ‘personal growth’ a few times now, but I haven’t really explained what I’m talking about. Here it is.

I am prone to being quite insecure. I lie to myself about how people see me, and I care way too much about what other people think. I always have. I doubt my instincts, and constantly question my convictions. I tend to see other people as ‘above’ me in most aspects of my life, and for a long time I was okay with knocking myself down every time I felt any confidence.

None of this serves me well in my role of momma. It got in the way, and it kept me from fulfilling my responsibilities to my kids.There was a point where all of this was so overbearing that my anxiety was crippling. I was so afraid to be around other moms that I froze. I became stuck because I doubted every decision I made. It was easier to not make decisions. By giving in to my anxieties and insecurities, I was deciding to let them win. I decided to believe the lies that I was telling myself. All mommas were better than I was. I wasn’t smart. I wasn’t a good friend. I was a lazy mom. My husband could have done better. I was selfish. The list goes on!

All of this came to a head when little brother was a few months old. I was exhausted all the time. I was trying to control everything because I felt like having control would be fulfilling. I was faking it around everyone, and falling apart when I was on my own.

I thought I was really good at ‘faking it’, but friends have since told me that I was a mess (thanks, friends!). I was so distant from everyone because I was terrified that they would see ‘the real me’ and judge me. Oh how I wish I’d let everyone in! Everything would have been much easier if I’d been wiling to openly admit that I was struggling.

I did, however, eventually see that I was not in good shape. I prayed for change. (I attribute this self awareness to my husband, who is very self aware. His example of self-care and his commitment to personal growth served as light bulbs. They illuminated the fact that change happens. I felt less stuck as a result of his encouragement and dedication to being the best dad/husband he could be.)

I gradually began to reach for help. This help came in several forms. I started to read my bible and other helpful literature (like brune brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection). Nursing all the time created lots of time to read! I joined a mom group and made a point to go to play dates so the boys and I weren’t alone all the time.

Eventually these small steps led to a desire to really delve in and find the root of my insecurities. That is a ton of work that I’m not quite ready to share with the internet, but I have learned to conquer things instead of cower.

Now I have an active social life (Ha! Well, it’s more active…what mom of toddlers actually has an active social life?). My husband and I communicate much more openly. I give of myself in ways that make me vulnerable to people’s opinions. I  write my thoughts and post them on the world wide web for everyone to see. I don’t give in to my insecurities. I rarely even think about myself as compared to other people. I’m even (dare I say it) confident.

So, I thought i’d share some things that I think every momma should know about herself…every person, really, but I learned these things as a mom.

1. You can’t achieve perfection, so stop trying! You may not struggle with this like I did, but I think we all want to be, or even just seem perfect in the eyes of others. It’s so much work! It’s exhausting to always wonder if you did or said the ‘right’ thing. There is no such thing as perfect. Every decision that you make will be wrong to someone. You will look back on what you once thought was perfection and realize how wrong you were, so stop comparing yourself to impossible standards and just be you!

2. You are not alone. Momming can feel so isolating (whether you’re a sahm or a working mom). At times I’ve felt completely alone, even if there are people everywhere. The truth is, mom’s are never alone. There are so many resources for mothers, we just have to access them. My resources have been other moms, my husband, God, and counselors, but yours may be a little different. The point is, you aren’t doing this alone! It feels like it sometimes, especially in the beginning when you are physically alone with a screaming ball of confusion, but people (real people who will happily take your screaming baby for a few minutes) are close! You don’t have to do it all on your own. Some of you probably have very different people in your life than I do. Some of you may be saying, “no, lj, I really am alone.” If you feel this way, leave your house. Take your screaming baby to the grocery store and make eye contact with other moms. I assure you that you will realize that you are not alone. I have been rescued by strangers too many times to count .

3. Your value does not come from other people (No matter what they say!). Don’t believe the lies that have been told about you. I’ve been called selfish and lazy. I’ve been shamed for not letting people emotionally manipulate me. I’ve felt like I had no value because someone who didn’t see their own value decided to tear me down. I’ve been through it, y’all, and I can assure you that my value does not come from anyone else! And neither does yours! Your value rests in the fact that you were beautifully and wonderfully crafted to be uniquely you. Listen to those who speak the truth about you. It’s so hard to find the right voices to listen to, so keep your eyes and ears open. Seek counsel of those who are wiser and have more life experience (or professionals- I have loved using counselors as a guage for what is and isn’t true!).

4. Your body is important. Treat it well. Exercise. Eat good food. You’ll feel so much better, and your life will look so different. Trust me. I started  by doing what my boys were doing, be it jumping or crawling. I realized that I was in horrible shape! I couldn’t breathe, y’all . So I started waking up super early to get some exercise before the boys were up. It was great while it worked for our family, but I started to get tired of going to bed before my husband, and I got pregnant, so I had to make a change. I just did workout videos at home. Quick and easy. My kids play around me, and sometimes even participate.

5. Your mind is important. Treat it well. Say nice things to yourself and others. Practice gratitude. Try to be aware of what’s going on in the world. Think about things that aren’t kid related…it’s hard! I once had to look up a list of non kid related topics 😂. Feed your mind. Use your mind. Teach your kids things…I’ve heard that teaching is great for your brain.

6. You know more than you realize (you haven’t lost IQ points since becoming a mom). We definitely don’t access all of our stored info when we’re parenting, but it’s still there. I sometimes feel like I’m incapable of contributing to adult conversations. I’ve often asked my husband if I seem stupider now. (Not joking!) I’m not! And neither are you! You’re a mom! Your brain is on overload all the time. You are constantly learning about tiny humans and how to care for them (and each one is different!). Your active knowledge bank is huge, so give yourself a break. Read a book in the cracks and you’ll reconnect with some of your passive knowledge.

Mommas, love yourselves! It’s a journey that I’m very much still on.

Time Flies (Sometimes)

Time is a weird thing. I know you’ve all heard the phrase “The days are long, but the years are short.” It becomes so true once you’re an adult, and maybe even truer when you’re a parent. Today little brother turns two. Two! His first year was definitely the longest year of my life, but his second year has flown by too quickly.
I have this rule- my babies are still babies until they turn 2. I know it’s silly, and I know that 22 month olds can walk and talk, but they’re still babies until they’re two.
A month or so ago the boys and I were traveling to chattanooga, TN to spend some time with my husband’s family while he was overseas on business. Anxious and pregnant, I was dreading having little brother on my (almost non existent) lap for three and a half hours.
There was a beautiful little girl sitting across the aisle from us, and she was thankfully very eager to keep little brother entertained. She played peek a boo with him for almost the entire flight!
At one point I asked the girl (who was probably 10 or 11) if she liked babies. She said, “I do, but he’s not a baby! He’s a toddler.”
I have never been so irrationally angry with a little girl before in my life (although I’m sure that sister will help me give this moment some company)! I, choking back (irrational) tears, said, “Yes he is a baby!”
Her eye roll was not subtle, and neither was her mother’s. I laughed and informed her mother that I was pretty pregnant and feeling a bit of guilt about him already being the middle child. I wanted to preserve the last month of his ‘baby stage’. She returned the laugh and explained that her daughter was also a middle child (on her way to spend the summer with her dad, and super excited to be leaving her sisters for a month).
Today is officially the day that I have to stop calling him a baby. It would be breaking my own rule to do otherwise, and I am no ‘my own rule’ breaker (bologna!).
Today is probably going to go like most days, though. The boys will wake up- neither of them will have grown a beard overnight. We will dress them and take them downstairs for breakfast. Someone will throw a fit about something, and for a couple of hours I’ll forget to be emotional about my baby turning two.
This day will likely be very long, just like the rest. It’ll be a domino in the train of this year, and it’ll zoom past at the end of 2018. It will feel like no time has passed at all. My boys will somehow continue to get bigger, and their little sister will be a few months old. I fear that I will have been too tired and too busy to have soaked it all in. I fear that I’ll forget.
Time is so weird!
When little brother was born I was determined to breast feed him. Big brother had refused to nurse after a short stay in the NICU where he’d been given quick-pay-off rubber nipples filled with (apparently) tastier than mom’s milk- formula. So, I pumped and supplemented for several months (and let me tell you,those were LONG days…someday I’d like to just throw a pump against a brick wall…just for the satisfaction!). He got fed, but I felt guilty- because I’m a mom.
Little brother was a nursing champ! He loved it so much, in fact, that he refused to take a bottle…ever (actually, I think he once took one from my husband’s grandmother…she must be a wizard.) He would cry whenever my boob wasn’t in his mouth, so he was latched on ALL THE TIME. Feedings took an hour each, and he wanted more before I had time to put lanolin on my bleeding nipples. I wanted to give him to one of those women who had pressured me into ‘avoiding nipple confusion’ and let her nurse him 20 hours a day!
My post partum anxiety was ruling my life. I was in tears all the time. I held little brother when I wasn’t nursing him because I felt guilty for feeling so angry with him. Meanwhile, big brother wasn’t getting enough of my attention, so, more guilt.
This went on for 9 months! NINE months! (It got easier around 6 months, but this phase wasn’t truly over until he was 9 months old) when he was 9 months old we finally decided to let him cry (I know, what took me so long?!). He cried for three hours one night. My momma heart broke, although part of me (a part that I’m very ashamed of) felt a little satisfaction at the idea of not giving in to him. He eventually stopped crying.
He has slept through the night most nights since. I have not once gotten up to feed him since then. (I’m not recommending this tactic. It just happens to be what worked for us.)
Since then, little brother has been the sweetest, craziest, most cuddly little nugget. I breastfed him through his first year, and gradually weaned him off around 15 months. I would not relive the first nine months of his life for all the money in the world, but I’d readily redo the last year. Where did it go?!
So, little brother, I hope you always know how special you are. I hope that you never feel forgotten all wedged there in the middle. I hope that your incredible personality always shines brighter than the mess in this world. I hope that you learn to love yourself early on, and that you never let others determine your value. I hope that you are always as curious as you are right now, and that you continue to ask questions and demand answers from the world around you. I hope that you always know that your parents love you. I hope that you know that we respect you. I hope that you grow to see that your actions have a ripple effect, and they last longer than their execution. You are already so strong and mighty. You are already a force. Your dad and I are so excited to see what you will become. We talk about your future a lot, but it’s ultimately up to you. Be good. Do good. Love others. Be smart. We are here to help guide you. We love you loads!
-Momma

The True Story of a “Stay at Home Mom”

I worked for the entire first year of big brother’s life. A few weeks before his first birthday my husband and I did the math and realized that childcare for two children was going to cost more than my non-profit job was bringing in (I was a few months pregnant with little brother at the time). My husband happened to get a raise around the same time, and everything fell into place for me to finally be home with my kid- something I’d never imagined I’d want to do until I became a mom. (I mean, how did women not go crazy just sitting at home watching their babies play all day?!)

Being a working mom was nearly impossible for me. My husband and I were both exhausted all the time. All we did was work, come home, and sleep. It felt like we were always playing catch-up (with each other, on errands, on home projects, on breathing). There weren’t enough hours in the day to do everything. If we were responsible about cleaning and cooking, it felt like we were missing out on valuable time with our kid. If we took the time to take care of ourselves, we were either missing out on valueable time with our kid or we were missing out on SLEEP. I know that so many families thrive when both parents are working, but I was miserable. I loved my job, but I desperately wanted to experience being a stay at home mom (the grass is always greener!).
I remember my last day of work, the last day I had to miss my kid, the last day I had to read about his day on a sheet of paper or see pictures of his new developmental milestone. (He went to a fantastic daycare, but nothing quite replaces experiencing your child’s firsts.)

I thought that staying home would fix everything. I was mistaken- big time! It did, however, fix the biggest thing, my outlook on our situation. Staying home with big brother didn’t make everything easier (what?!). It didn’t magically make the days more productive, or give me more time to focus on my marriage or our home.

What it did was teach me that I was always a victim of whatever situation I was in. I’d chosen not to be happy at work (even though I loved my job, and I was really good at it), and I had slowly begun to chose not to be happy with staying home. I loved seeing my kid grow! I loved teaching him and playing with him. I loved going to places like the museum and the grocery store, but I felt so inadequate! I felt like a quitter who had given up. Why could so many other moms have successful careers and be well-rounded moms?
When I was working I felt like I didn’t do enough at home, and when I was home I felt like I didn’t work hard enough. The house was still never clean (and it still isn’t!). Errands we’re still never done. Home projects never seemed completed. And I’d go long stretches without remembering to take a deep breath.
I was just as exhausted as a stay at home mom as I’d been when I was working full time. I grew to resent the fact that my husband had regular conversations with people who didn’t spit up on him.
I remember waking up one morning after a particularly difficult teething day and thinking, ‘ugh! This kid is the worst! I wish I could just give him to someone for the day!’ I immediately felt guilty and burst into tears. I think it was probably the first time that I told my husband how exhausted and lonely I felt at home.
After that I realized that I had to make some changes. My environment didn’t need to change- I did! I was unhappy because I’d forgotten to be grateful. I was unhappy because I couldn’t see past the guilt and exhaustion. I couldn’t see the things that I did have because I was so focused on what I didn’t have. When the newness of staying home wore off I got bored.
Everyday I worry that I don’t do enough. I don’t make money. I don’t cook enough. I can clean all day and the house still looks like a tornado hit it. I still haven’t folded the ever growing pile of laundry.
So what do I do all day? I play. I teach. I rejoice with my boys. I cry with them. I discipline. I run earrands (Wich is no easy task with two little boys). And if they nap (big ‘if’ these days) I take a much needed break so that I can repeat it all when they wake up.
There are definitely moms who do it all, and they do it all well! I know my limits, and I am not one of those moms. Not yet anyway.
Big brother and little brother will have a sister in a couple of months. We will have had three kids in less than four years. My husband and I have given in to the fact that our home will be a mess for the next few years, and I’m choosing to be okay with it.
Being a stay at home mom has given me the space to learn about myself. It has taught me so much about patience. It has allowed me to give myself grace. It has equipped me with valueable skills like resilience, persistence, and gratitude.
Staying at home or not staying at home says nothing about a person’s character or even what they value. Any mom can do either and still be miserable. I think that most moms love their children unwaveringly, whether they’re home all day with them, or working to provide for them.
I wish I had some new, significant lesson to share with you, but you’ve all heard this a million times…
Being a present parent is hard, no matter how you do it. Loving someone, letting them depend on you, and trusting yourself to be up to the task is draining and exhausting! Don’t add to it by caring about other people’s expectations.
Do what is best for you and your family! If you’re a momma (or daddy) who is happier and healthier when working, then work! If you have to work to afford to pay your bills, then work! If you’re desperately unhappy in your situation, Im so sorry, and I can relate. We we’re fortunate that our situation changed, but the change didn’t fix everything. Being home isn’t what I thought it would be, but I’m so glad that it’s my reality for now.
Babbling over. You do you, boo 😆